I just can’t figure out how, when I want something and even if there aren’t any physical barriers or when it’s not beyond my ability to do the thing, why am I still unable to do it. Writing or speaking to someone has often helped me organize my thoughts and come to the answer. Let’s see if I’m able to get to it now.
I’m not exactly sure how to write this as generally as possible. So I’ll just go with an everyday example. I want to talk to a person. I have all the skills I require. I can speak. Well, what else do I need? This is what I want in my mind. To speak to the person. For some reason however, there’s a contradiction of this want in my very own mind. How can there co-exist such a contradiction! But is it even that, when only one of those thoughts present in my mind wins. Is it a want, that I cannot fulfill? It’s not like I’m lying down a grassy field with the cold moonlight showering over me, a pleasant breeze caresses me and I reach out and try to hold the moon in the palm of my hand. No, this is very doable. But still what’s stopping me? The bizarre thing is that both these thoughts of action originate in the same brain. What leads me to want to do it and what is stopping me from doing it!
Something comes to mind. Earlier I just reached home and was cleaning up the place. I lifted a chair over the PC’s monitor to clean the corner and in my mind I’d already seen this happen, the chair’s legs tripping over the monitor. I knew a couple of milliseconds ahead that it was going to happen today. Though theoretically I knew it was going to happen, I practically was incapable of stopping it. I had not even theoretically devised my course of action in case that it should really happen as I feared. Is this it? Oh yes, I believe this could be it. There’s bridging required I suppose, between one’s theoretical mind and one’s practical mind.
Even considering the above situation, I can come to the same conclusion. People can only do what they’ve been doing for a while and it comes to them easily. Anything else that’s been put away for a while becomes really really hard. Without the first step, everything is hard. I have practically not spoken to many people, honestly. I hardly speak. But why do I feel the need to do it in the first place! Again there’s a conflict of ideas here. We are born as blank slates and ideas are fed into us from a very early age. We do not get to pick which ideas would direct our life in which direction. We just absorb them initially, all of it. I believe it’s this that’s causing the confusion and muddle up in my head. The second part, which does not want to allow the action of talking to happen is the newer part of the brain, which I’ve populated with ideas that have come to me after logical reasoning. However there’s a legacy part of the brain upon which everything is built. If this were to collapse, the entire structure of it would collapse because everything in the mind is just bits and pieces linked together on a little delicate base. Every thought, idea, emotion piled up like little boxes. Over the years, I suppose the old boxes could be overpowered by the new ones, but they still exist as a nagging eerie voice inside our hollow heads.